01/27

Today:
-Wet to chiropractor. He actually released my neck this time, but it idn’t make me feel really, really good. Just sort of better. I have been dreaming of the deep relaxation and feeling good that has happened before after an adjustment, but didn’t today. In fact, I feel rather empty. However, I feel really glad to have not cried today, and I only got very sad once. That’s compared to crying most of yesterday from the pain and how it made me unable to deal with normal situations in life (interrupting phone calls, missing some TV programs…)
-I’vebeen working on rolling my shoulders bac, I hpe that soon it becomes an unconscious behavior and my shoulders sit at their normal spots. I also have been trying to make desks and chairs and things more ergonomicsbut being rather petite, this is hard for me.
-I have been reading the Snellen chart off and on, after yawning just now I cleared the 7 line, then the 4 line. So I am reading 2/4 in reasonably bright artificial light. Now, I need to improve thquality of the reading, or at least read 4 more consistently. the double vision is quite bothersome, so I should start doing eyepatch swings again. I do draw with eyepatch, of course.
-I do a heated eye bag before I go to sleep. I heat it up, put it on my eyes while lying in bed, and just relax and look at the black. If my mind wanders, I tell myself to start over. After awhile, I take it off my eyes and go to sleep. The whole purpose of this is to relax my eyes before I go to sleep, so that I can wake up with more refreshed eyes. I don’t know how well that has been working. Palming can be tough for me because of my shoulders.
-I did about 15 minutes of yoga. It was pretty nice. I think if I’d done it longer I would have released more, but that’s all right. I will do it again soon.
-Today has been WOG. I did homework, went to the chiropractor’s, and went to class WOG. There were some things in class I couldn’t see, and I noticed it was getting blurrier near the end (losing interest in the topic, maybe/) But I could clear it okay. I feel like I see a lot more than I’m supposed to given what my supposed prescription is. My roommate and I stood back from her computer and she noted some things on it she couldn’tread, and and I said, “well, I can read that.” She said, “well, you’re less blind than me” and I said, “No, that can’t be” (as I’ve asked her before she is between -2 and -3, whereas I’m almost -8). She then asked if I was farsighted. That’s not it either, it’s just that things that I’m accustomed t, i can clear okay, and especially outside. So really my prescription means a lot less than it used to.
I may put on glasses tonight, so that I can work more easily (my desire to program goes down with no glasses. It’s one thing to play on my computer or write in my blog, but really having to discern whether I’ve missed a semicolon and that’s my program won’t compile? that’s a bit tougher.)

I came out of a stairwell, and a friend of mine was sitting nearby, but I didn’t recognize him. He said hello, seeing me instantly. I made a confused sound. He laughed, said I was blind without my glasses, and I should get contacts. I told him I couldn’t because my eyes change so rapidly, and I kept around like 8 pairs of glasses, but I couldn’t do that with contacts. There were some jokes made about bifocals, octofocals, and things like that. It really annoys me that he says that I’m blind without them. I am not blind, I just have blurrier vision especially when it’s darker (inside a poorly lit building in the late afternoon)./

Desires:
-Getting a nice relaxing night of sleep. I’ve put on extra pillow on my bed, hope that it will reduce the neck pain I experience in the morning.
-Cheer up, keep a positive attitude. I’ve been really depressed lately. Maybe some running or something tomorrow will help with that. I have racquetball on Thursday, swimming on Saturday.
-being more organized. This is just to reduce stress and be relaxed about every taks that needs doing. I’m employing the Getting Things Done method, and hoping that that will help meget things done in a more timely manner so that I have more time to relax, and that I am more relaxed while doing work. We’ll see about this, I am just now taking baby steps.
-neck stretches
-Snellen chart as needed, palming or eye bag as needed.

Recent

Lately, I have been palming, and I started doing Snellen again after taking a break from it. I’m very close to it (about 2.5 feet away), and reading it in artificial light. I got about 2.5/15 yesterday, 2.5/20 today. I just now got 2/10.
I note though how in sunshine these higher lines are still blacker and clearer. Readable does not mean completely clear.

I’ve been getting lots of headaches lately, which is really bothersome. Maybe it’s from wearing pinhole glasses?
I’m not used to constant headaches, it is not something that has happened to me before.

I also have been having panic attacks, and my “dizziness” spells where I lose my balance. This has happened to me in the past, although they had gone away until recently. I don’t think I’ve suffered from those things since last spring or so. Perhaps a healing pain? We regress in time, then soon I should be getting hit with some massive depression. It may also be a result of being so much WOG lately. i wear pinholes occasionally, and I’ve started wearing a pair for doing computer work. I had another pair that were about -2.15, but these were tinted and so weak that it was practically clearer to work at a computer without them. I’ve got another pair that are slightly stronger, but I do not know the prescription. These clear the screen and not much better (still can’t read the 4 line from 2 feet away with these, and I still see my double vision at times).

I went to a class that I’m not enrolled in, and sat far back, 2nd to last row. I could usually clear the top line of the projected slide (the title, it was the largest font). Once or twice I got some font smaller than that, but not usually.

My eyes have been really dry and sore lately. Someone commented how I looked really tired. I wasn’t really so tired, it was just my eyes that were exhausted! And I had been palming a lot just before that.

I’m also becoming aware of the things I do that stress my body, such as the way I hunch over while doing work (maybe a result of being WOG, sadly, and not letting myself relax. Bad combination.). I’d really like a small drafting table to do my work at, perhaps I should get a reading stand? That would be way more ergonomic. I would like a more relaxing way to do work, and what I have right now is not very good. So an overhaul of the current lifestyle and mode will be, I think, a useful thing. Flat desks are pretty outmoded, don’t you think?

So, desires:
-Snellen chart work
-I’m going to chiropractor tomorrow
-Palming, also want to start eye bag again because of all the soreness. I hope the soreness is the result of blood coming to the area or something good like that, because it does not feel good, and I still don’t know why it’s occurring.
-Adjusting my life to be more ergonomic! This is a project, first order of business will be to make a laptop stand http://www.instructables.com/id/Make_a_Laptop_Stand_from_Cardboard_The_Quick_and/
and then figure out to make it into a writing and reading stand.

Amazing Happiness

I was in class today and got rather depressed and had a headache, but then I went outside. it was so cold and clear today (it has finally warmed up to 1 degree Fahrenheit, though with windchill it feels like -12). As I was walking, I was noticing trees and buildings and how they became clear. The sun was shining and I became so happy. The clearness wasn’t exact, some people’s faces were blurry and sometimes the vision became blurry again– I’m not consistent, of course. I came home, and listened to some music with my friend by sharing the headphones on an iPod. And I felt, for one of the very few times, I actually really enjoyed music. I listened to the Beatles and felt myself being transported into the situations in the song. The songs I listened to were usually cheerful and I could feel the cheerfulness of the song, or the passion if they were passionate songs. I listened to Nirvana and I felt anger, and I felt like I was grungy and dirty and angry, as I imagine the feeling behind their songs. I was completely into it, singing along. My friend commented how he thought I didn’t know how to enjoy music, but it seemed that I was. It was brilliant!

So I have been mostly pinhole glasses wearing, and i think I may have overdone it a bit today. I need to step down my usage . i still don’t know whether they are better than glasses or not, but I note very nice pros to wearing them (such as keeping 3D vision, the fact that they work no matter what my prescription is at the moment). The reason I overdid it was I was showing off to others what they were. But this afternoon I stopped wearing them, even worked on math homework without them, and now am working on my computer WOG.

The way I am feeling right now, I feel like my changes won’t be a normal increase as I expected. I think some days will be just having things fantastically clear, others not, depending on where I am, things like that. Very all or nothing sort of thing, which means my eyes will become even more unstable and changing throughout the day. That’s good, I can use it to gauge how I am feeling at a certain instant in a certain situation. I notice how I’m much better at seeing with natural light, for instance. I seem to be having lots of clear flashes as I walk outside, and I’m sure the cold and the sunshine helped too. But hopefully the clear flashes increase until they are a permanent fixture of being outside in sunshine.

The excuse I’m using to other people for not wearing glasses is that my eyes are too unstable and that I can sometimes see 20/30 and as such I wouldn’t be able to have a correct prescription made for me.. This is true, as i have been able to (once) been able to get my Snellen to 20/30. I got told I had mutant eyes. I liked this, my eyes are constantly changing throughout the day, then yes, they are mutants, and this ia good thing, rather than the muscles being stuck and strained.

I wish I had things to report as I did over break of the exact things that I am doing, but I haven’t been doing those things. I’d like to palm more, I do swing sometimes during the day if I’m waiting around for something. But I want for things to become more a part of my life during the day rather than something I set time aside for. The only way to really practice Bates throughout the day is to go WOG so that you can remember the habits. I also try to take a minute or so during the day at times to focus on my breathing to relax my mind. Not the same as doing a deep meditation, and I won’t achieve the highest degree of relaxation (which still eludes me most of the time, as measured by my vision acuity). But the necessary thing is to increase my normal level of relaxation. Achievable can take a hit if my normal increases.

Because I have stuff to do, my posts may become strange (stranger than this, even!) and not as neat as they had been over break. Now I’m working things into my daily life so in practice lots of interesting things will be coming up. Plus writing a post WOG makes me type without editing out and just living in a stream of consciousness world. But here are my desires for this weekend:

-Doing math homework in the sunshine WOG or wearing pinholes or the very low powered glasses. It will have to be inside, of course.
-Going shopping for some healthy foods 🙂
-Palming, as my eyes are often quite tired and dry. Swinging if I feel like it.
-Yoga, as this just feels good to do.
-Focusing on my breathing as a way of intermittent meditation
-Noticing things far away
-Smiling a lot!

01/13

Instead of wearing glasses, I’ve started wearing pinhole glasses to see the board/projector at school. Been noticing feelings of anxiety, not sure if they are because of being scared of class, or something to do with my vision. I notice clearer vision temporarily after taking off the pinholes. I take them off frequently.
Anyway, I’m not sure if they are better than regular glasses or not. Vision is still not natural, but perhaps it will help me learn central fixation and movement a little. And they are not as easy to wear for long periods, so I take them off often.
My eyes sometimes burn after wearing them, also.
I don’t know that much about them or their efficacy.
I palm a lot because of the eye pains associated with them.

01/12

Yesterday involved me going WOG the whole day. It was disappointing. I became sad and angry that I couldn’t see the board well enough to follow in lcass I could feel my stress level rising despite the fact that yesterday wasn’t really a hard day of school. I can feel it nowadays, the fact that I am so stressed all the time, for seemingly nothing at all. I can have a reasonable level of achievable relaxation sometimes, but I want to lift my normal level a little bit higher. I can practice consciously throughout the day to relax, but it can be hard if there is something else on my mind. Even during purposely relaxing time (say palming in the morning), if I have too much on mind, I can’t relax that much or easily. Anyway, I still hope to get my achievable level u (flashing Snellen chart at 20/20 in normal artificial lighting would be a good notice of this). I also want to make sure Im not trying to relax as that would defeat the purpose. I felt like I was trying to do that yesterday and it was making me more annoyed and therefore even less relaxed.

I went to the chiropractic yesterday, and it seemed my shoulders were pretty tight. I was hoping that everything would be relaxed since I’d been doing yoga at times, but I guess I haven’t done it enough or well enough. Anyway, I will continue with yoga and I’ve lessened my chiropractic appointments down to once a week so I hope that that will help me. I need to help my shoulders and neck not get so hunched up, causing me problems. I think my palming posture might also contribute to this, sadly.

I want to go about my life with a relaxed mind, relaxed body. That’s really what this is all about. Bates Method is great, sure, but if you can find any way of really relaxing totally, then your vision will improve. And I feel I need to focus on that more, and not Bates Method alone. That’s why I go to to the chiropractor, and try yoga, and the reason for palming is merely to relax. I needn’t focus on my eyesight while doing this all the time. Probably some of the time I do, otherwise I think I might relax the rest of my body while still straining my eyes. It’s strange to me, because I see yoga instructors and Alexander technique people who wear glasses and I think that they shouldn’t have to, if they are doing these things. How do I extend the idea of relaxing my body and mind to necessarily relax my eye muscles?

01/11

Yesterday I only wore glasses when I was trying to get my bags, as they had messed up, everything was late, and I was confused because I couldn’t find my bags. Other than that, I navigated the airport WOG, rode in the car and bus WOG. Car was fun, as it was daytime and I played a game with my sisters of looking at far away signs and readint them if we could. I think this is good to do to practice getting a sense of direction and distance, both of which I lack. No wonder I can’t find places easily and am always getting lost, it’s because I don’t check out the area to have a memory of it. If I’m travelling I will try to do this more. it’s a fun game, and good for me too.
Today so far has been WOG. Mind you I went to class–a lecture WOG. At first I wasn’t having too much trouble with the board, but later I was having a harder time following. I wasn’t sure what to do because at this point, the glasses cause me pain–I noted this when I put them on last night. It may be because things got more difficult in class, or I got bored or confused. The way I see to combat this is to read beforehand so that I can know the information and be able to stay engaged. I hope to get to the point when I can read the board without trouble, and to do it pretty quickly.
In my world, it seems to go this way: 1: be able to read in sunlight WOG, 2: be able to use a computer WOG, 3: be able to read in artificial light WOG, 4: be able to read the board from the first row WOG.
The last thing can vary wildly depending on the light in the room, whether there are any windows, how far the first row actually is from the board. So can the other things, but they give me a little bit more slack in how far away something is. Next step is what, perhaps moving farther back from all of these.

I have a chiropractor’s appointment today. I wonder if he will note any difference in my spine and neck as compared to one month ago, the last time I went. I have been doing yoga, but I think it can be hard to not have a professional of any sort guiding you. I like the Internet, but sometimes you want something more hands-on. I have been asking the doctor about Alexander Technique so he might have found some things out for me. Soon, I hope to wean myself off the chiropractor entirely. It’s a pretty unnatural thing to be doing ona regular basis., unlike yoga or perhaps Alexander Technique.
My neck still hurts often. I have gotten a sense of relief sometimes, like sometimes after doing yoga, but this isn’t very often. this leads me to believe that my work in healing my neck problems isn’t going as well as I would like. Or it may mean that I’m in healing mode, I can’t even remember how it felt before the chiropractic treatments and things. It is hard to judge this.

Stupidly, I put o n eye makeup today. First day of school, wanted to look nice. My left eye got all itchy and iI couldn’t itch it for fear of getting more stuff in there. I found it really annoying, although it is probably good to touch your eye as little as possible. I’ve definitely gotten a lot better at that–I sued to scratch and rub my eyes all the time, and I’ve really reduced that. That makes me happy.

I’ve noticed that my eyes look a lot brighter, maybe, or larger. Maybe it is not a noticeable thing but I’m going to take some pictures and compare old photos to new ones sometime soon.

I am going to need to step down the amount of time I do Snellen chart, palming, etc, with school. I think it is a matter of diong them more intelligently, so that I can get the most out of it (such as taking breaks from studying to palm for 5 minutes, instead of doing 20 minutes’ worth). I think the most important thing is to just learn how to go WOG as much as possible, and to relax in my daily life. I have yoga, and I just need to keep conscious of my postures and stress level through out the day and learn how to release it if I get attacked.

This has been very stream of consciousness as i try to account for everything that hits my mind. We’ll see how things go.

01/10

Today I accomplished:
-Snellen chart work. I did this a lot today, starting from the morning (A) soon after the sunrise, in midday (B), and for about an hour until sunset (C).
A–I was about 9 feet away, don’t recall how I did–but it wasn’t too great as I didn’t have so much light.
I remember it got darker when I palmed for a bit.
B–Midday, my best, of course. I got my ~7.5/10. The nice thing was how easy it was to clear the top lines. Almost instantly I had the 40, 30 line and it only took me a little bit longer to get 15, then 10. I found that encouraging. It goes in and out very quickly, one blink it’s blurry, the next the chart has cleared whatever I was looking at. So I think this is a speed thing. Clear vision is swift, changes focus quickly, whereas blurry vision will take longer. I hope to make it more constant–by which I mean faster.
C–At times I got ~7.5/15 but it got more difficult as it got darker. I was doing okay at ~7.5/30 for awhile.
After the sun completely set, I couldn’t clear to the 70 line at all.

I’m noting pain still when it’s really bright and the sun is shining directly on the white paper of the chart.
I noticed some twitching under my left eye after doing Snellen work.

-After the sun set, I got my book and looked at it. I was “spacing” the words, by looking at the white space between the words and under the line. This involved some oddity with my left eye not seeing it as well as my right, I did eyepatch things for a little to try to switch on my left eye more.

-Intermittent palming, while reading chart, etc

-Heated eye bag. I was having trouble with the dry eye again–which is making me want to take a break from Snellen, and I had a new theory. The theory was that the dryness was actually a sort of symptom of more blood being in the eye area, or the eye ‘asking’ for more blood. As such, it’s not real dryness, but something else. I could make my eyes water by gagging myself, but I found that the eye would be dry soon afterward. I thought that the eye bag would help because the heat would call blood to the area.
It also may be the case that I don’t blink correctly. I’ve been thinking about it today, and I hear a noise when opening my eyes, or they feel like they are sticky. I’m trying to blink softly and correctly, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right! I also have a problem with blinking my right eye before my left, like some sort of muscle spasm.

-I practiced some video game stuff WOG
-I’ve been practicing reading in normal artificial lighting
-Ate well today! Chicken, sauerkraut, chicken soup, spinach and rice, strawberries. Sauerkraut is terrible tasting, but being that it’s cheap, easy to make, and so healthy, I plan to eat more. I’m sure it’s a bit of an acquired taste.
-WOG today, except for like a minute when I was showing a friend the ones I’d just gotten.. Going WOG makes me feel very proud!

Tomorrow I am going back up North! I will be on a plane for a few hours. My plan is to palm on the plane, if possible, and while I’m waiting around at the airport. I get tired or restless though, if I am telling myself that I am going to palm for a certain amount of time. I tried palming last night and ended up kicking my legs around the whole time. But I think this is the best thing for helping with the dry eye and soothing them.
My eyes are quite tired after all the Snellen I’ve been doing today. Should that be so? Or should I feel more relaxed and my eyes should feel more energized? Maybe it is because I didn’t keep the relaxation for very long, just for a moment or so as I cleared the line. Anyway, I hope that I will learn to keep it longer.
Exhaustion…

01/03/09

Accomplished today:
-Yoga, really difficult stuff. Finally got to the second part of the neck/shoulder yoga video and it was tough!
Chair pose is hard!
-Running, short distance though. Went a mile in all and only ran about a quarter of a mile. Reason I didn’t do more was because there were lots of people on the track so once I had walked there, I didn’t want to use it. I just headed back home and didn’t even run all the half-mile back because it was too tiring. Oh well, I think getting better at running short distances is helpful too.
-Palming, Long Swing
-Eyepatch Infinity Swing
-Reading. I read in direct sunlight with the book further away. Also I read next to a window that had blinds down but not completely closed, not in direct sunlight, where there was good indoor lighting anyway, at my usual distance. The inside reading worked pretty well! I need to get an easier book to try and read in very low light to practice that.
-Spent MOST of day WOG. Only put them on for a bit when I was at the library working on some math stuff, using my laptop. I want to get better at doing math WOG. It’s like, well, I’m doing something really creative, and my mind needs to be completely relaxed to be able to engage in creative thought.
-Snellen outside. It was so bright, but I found some shade and did it there. I flashed ~15/30, and it was clear and black, not hazy. I didn’t get the last 2 letters on that line because the flash ended but oh well. II need to be real patient with my Snellen.
-Heated eyebag.
-Ate some liver

Desires for tomorrow:
-Running, yoga
-Palming, Long Swing, Infinity Swing
-Reading, sunlight and dim light
-Eyebag

Desires for the week(tomrrow is after all Sunday, the beginning of the week):
-Running a half mile in one go
-Doing a full half hour of yoga in one go
-Getting a pair of weaker powered glasses and discarding (maybe?) the -4.5/-4s
-Getting a good night’s sleep as many nights this week as possible
-Learning to do a Snellen properly

1/2/2009

Accomplished Today:
-Running/walking. Altogether we walked/ran two and a half miles, about three-eighths of a mile running. We were out for quite a while. I need a lot of time to warm up (by intermittently running and walking) before I can do a long length. I’m not a good runner, but I am going to redouble my efforts this next week and a half and see how much I can achieve.
-Yoga. I was happy this morning because my neck was feeling good, and I danced around for a bit because of that. Yoga makes me really tired! I don’t know why it should so much. Afterward I feel so sleepy.
-Reading next to window. I am working on Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter. The text is quite different from Watership Down, where the paper is yellow and the text is thicker. I didn’t read much as it was cloudy, but I need to practice lower light conditions more.
-Palming. While palming, I talked to my body. Told it I was grateful for what it did for me, that I wished to make it work better and make life easier for it. I think this released me a bit.
-Swinging
-Eyepatch Infinity
-I think I went the entire day wOG! I have been using the computer, reading, and I went out running and did yoga WOG. It was accidental, in a way–there was never any situation where I really wanted to get my glasses (desire to instantly see better overridden by me being too lazy to go find them).
-I did a tiny bit of Snellen. I’m trying to be more focused on doing it correctly, or rather really relaxing myself as I am doing it. I close my eyes and ask my body if it’s ready to try the next line. I think I’m not good at clearing my Snellen because I don’t relax myself enough, and looking at the chart is not that relaxing to me as of yet. I feel like it should be a lot easier and isn’t. Anyway, I have a hazy 10/50, but it’s still less hazy than my 10/50 yesterday.
-Heated eye bag. Nice to start doing this again.

While outside walking or running, I sometimes notes how patches of grass or other things were clear, but that other things were cloudy. I’m still suffering from double vision, but it’s weird that sometimes one of the images or both are clear. It’s both wonderful and annoying at the same time. Great in that things are clearer, and annoying because it confuses me. I don’t know whether the next thing will be clear or not. I feel as though I’d prefer for my vision to meet in the middle, as if to clear up a bit but uniformly. I’ve felt this before, and I felt like my vision was settling. If I had some reasonable glasses to use, I would take break for 2 days or so from my more active, radical vision stuff, and let my eyes do what they want.

I’m also noticing how my vision is better during the day using my computer. I st in indirect sunlight to avoid glare, and I feel that it’s a lot better. So natural light helps computers too 🙂

My apologies if this post is long-winded and crazy and has typos. I am after all glassesless and I can’t see this screen well enough all the time to edit better.

1/1/2009

Accomplishments for Today:
-Yoga! The one for neck and shoulder pain. It’s 57 minutes long but I lasted only about 25, it got sort of difficult and I was getting tired. Afterwards I noticed that I could see my computer screen clearer for a while.
-Palming. Did this intermittently while playing on my computer to clear it up after the yoga aftereffects wore off.
-Swinging. Shifted between the horizontal and vertical striped card (hoping to ease distortion in case I have astigmatism).
-Infinity Swing with eyepatch. I switched between patching my left and right eye. Then regular Infinity Swing. Did the eyepatch to make sure both my eyes were “switched on”.
-I finished Watership Down! I read almost the whole book without glasses (only did for the first 2-3 chapters as I was using artificial light). Last two days I read inside, but next to a large open window. However I wasn’t always in direct sunlight! Oh well, indirect sunlight is still much better for me than even strong artificial light.
-Snellen chart. Yesterday I did 10/50, maybe 10/40, but it is not very black (even the 70 line). The letters appear within a gray cloud, and I have double (or triple…) vision.
I’m not very good
-Went most of day WOG! I read Watership down and did yoga without glasses, and afterwards I could see my computer better without glasses. So I was good for most of the day.

Desires for tomorrow:
-Yoga, maybe? My neck hurts a lot, and my shoulders do too. I hope that I haven’t been hurting myself. I hope that it is just a “good” kind of soreness. Perhaps just some very gentle yoga tomorrow, just to release my body a little bit.
-Running…I hope…I haven’t been good about this. And I really want to go running.
-Palming
-Swinging
-More eyepatch Infinity Swings
-Snellen chart. I am not good at clearing, I think I need more practice. I don’t know why I am not good at it, maybe I am not patient enough.

I really need to get a new pair of weaker glasses. Supposedly I should be getting some soon, but I’m getting impatient. I think the new ones will be -2.5 or so, I don’t know if they will be too weak. Having too weak glasses might even be worse than blurry, glasses-free eyesight.